09: my weakness

Today has been hard.

I have been overwhelmed by feelings of inadequacy. insignificance. inability. inferiority.  These things that I have been so certain about… the things I felt Him calling me to do… suddenly seem too big for me.  The momentum building within me to see great things unfold feels less like direction and more like a car screaming down a steep hill with no brakes.  And He has me behind the wheel.

Have you ever had a day like that? or a week? or a year…?

God, what are you thinking? Have you met me?

Seriously, maybe You should re-think your hiring strategies…

And then…

Our generous daddy God comes in and comforts my soul.  He whispers “my grace is sufficient for you, Becky. Remember, daughter, that my power is made perfect in weakness…even yours…”

He gently reminds me that He has not called me in spite of my weakness… but because of it.  

That when I am weak, He is strong.  

That I am not measured according to the standards of man, or by numbers, or statistics… but by my faithfulness to His call.  That He will not hold my words up against Ann Voskamp’s and choose a winner [seriously, have you read her work? prose like poetry... honey and salt and dark and light, all beautifully woven into one...] , or measure my deeds against those who have gone to distant lands, or my offering against one who has great wealth… rather He will test how faithful I was to say exactly what He has asked me to say, to go where He has asked me to go, and to give all that He has asked me to give.

Today, I am in a desert. But that is where He arrives with manna. When He gazes with mercy onto our brokenness and encourages and nourishes our spirits.

When He reminds me of the dozens of confirmations, all pointing down the path I am on. When in his generosity, He offers another one in the form of a Facebook status that reminds He is not looking for ability, rather availability. When He whispers that I don't get to question His hiring strategies, after all, He is the boss. When I go to a church business meeting, and the sweetest prayer is offered up on my behalf, asking for direction and guidance and peace in this calling. And then they offer financial support in the exact amount He had whispered to my spirit to ask for, and I didn't even have to ask

And my husband asks what I am blogging about, and I tell him about my day of doubts and insecurity…and He points all of this out to me… and speaks confidence into my soul.

Not confidence in my ability, but in God’s faithfulness.

And so tonight, I can say with all honesty, that I am thankful for my weakness. I truly am. I am thankful for days that remind me I am so, so, so very human. That I am so very finite, and apt to fall short or make mistakes. But that through my generous, loving, faithful Father… All things are possible.

I still feel very… ill-equipped. uncertain. apprehensive.

But it’s okay.  I don’t have to have it all figured out. I don’t have to know all of the answers.

I just have to really trust the One who does.

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