devo//the life APPEARED [1 john 1:1-4]

(last year in November I did a month of thanks, this year the Lord has impressed on my heart to do a devotional study of 1 John. let’s see how it goes…)

1 That which was from the beginning, which we have heard, which we have seen with our eyes, which we have looked at and our hands have touched—this we proclaim concerning the Word of life. ² The life appeared; we have seen it and testify to it, and we proclaim to you the eternal life, which was with the Father and has appeared to us. ³ We proclaim to you what we have seen and heard, so that you also may have fellowship with us. And our fellowship is with the Father and with his Son, Jesus Christ. ⁴ We write this to make our joy complete. [1 John 1:1-4]

The different colors of highlighter and ink pen in my Bible tell me I have read this passage many times… and yet, my heart was assaulted by something completely new this time. Something that I seem to have skimmed over before. It was not highlighted or underlined until this time, when in the reading it assaulted my heart in such a way it won the prize of a box drawn around it. Three little words that changed the world…

The life appeared.

The LIFE appeared.

THE Life APPEARED!

How many times have I skimmed those words? How many times have I instead focused on this eyewitness account, or the desire for fellowship based on common belief in Christ, or the importance of sharing our story. Missing those three words… The life appeared.

When did I lose my wonder that the LIFE, Eternal Life, appeared.  The One who had been with God since thebeginning, through whom all things werecreated, who was not only with God but was God… appeared here… in this fallen, broken, imperfect world.  That He left the company of the Father… to meet me.

When did I start focusing so tightly on the work (witnessing, discipling, sharing, writing) that I could skim over those three LIFE-CHANGING words?

The.Life.Appeared.

I want to change the world. Those closest to me, they want to be world changers too… but sometimes we can get so caught up in the doing that we lose our wonder. The Truth of Jesus Christ becomes almost mundane in our hearts. Taken for granted. Normal. 

But The Life appearing… there is nothing mundane about that!  It should arrest our hearts every single time that the Son of God would leave the unending worship of heaven to be spat on and rejected in this world… out of love for you [for me].

Jesus, who enjoyed constant fellowship with the Father, left His throne… for us. To chase us. To pursue our hearts. To make a way. To justify and reconcile and set things right.

And He changed everything.

Today, let’s focus our hearts on the simple Truth that the LIFE appeared.   The Way. The Truth. The Life joined us here, so that we can also join Him there.  The same Jesus who entered this broken, fallen, failing world also entered my broken, fallen, failing heart… and He changed me. Don’t lose your wonder, friend! Don’t lose your awe and amazement that Jesus came for you. Rest in THAT today, because no matter what you are facing… The Life appeared and brought with Him peace, hope, joy… eternity. All for you.

The Life APPEARED.

[isn't it amazing?]

Father, remind us of the miracle of Jesus today! Renew the awe and passion of our first love… when we first realized that Jesus really DID enter this world… so that He could have our hearts! Let us never, ever, ever lose our wonder at who you are… and that every single thing that you are, you are for US! We LOVE YOU Jesus!!! 

living in the {in between}

The debate was long and wavering. Do we stay in the new house or not? Aunt Sharon still had a few things to pack... I wanted to give her the space to do that, Jim was ready to get IN. The kids were excited to start their new school year from The New House. We had people lined up to help move on Saturday. This was Wednesday. Could we not wait a few more days for the dream God had planted in our hearts to be realized? Isn't patience a virtue?

Tali, the kid who always says the thing everyone in the room/family/group is thinking [not sure where she would get that from??] told Sharon (in conversation) it wouldn't really be our house til we slept here. Aunt Sharon answered "well, you can start sleeping here anytime you want!"

Yes, that's all Jim needed to hear.

The next day I called to see what he was doing... "taking the bunk beds apart". He was matter-of-fact. There was no room for discussion or debate. We were sleeping in The New House. Tonight.

This is for real.

I was driving in my truck and suddenly those tears that I had held onto for so long began to flood down my cheeks.

We are really, really, really moving.

After the disappointment of "the other house"... it was so, so, so, hard to let my heart believe.Despite the promises, the talk, the blog post, the facebook statuses, the decorations purchased, the plans made... I have to be honest with you, friends... I didn't really believe it until that moment. [insert ugly cry here]

The reality of God's faithfulness hit me like never before. He is a God that does what He says He is going to do. I have said that dozens, hundreds of times. Now I was living it.

How can something make you feel so small and so significant all at the same time? The awe of a God who is SO BIG that He gets to do whatever He wants to do? A God who knew from the BEGINNING the plans He had for our family? That the same God that spoke the UNIVERSE into EXISTENCE would give a flying fig where the Boyles family lived!? That He would love us so stinking much! That with the injustices of the world and the millions of prayers whispered, spoken, screamed every day... that He would hear MINE. A God so faithful that He would take us through the pain of disappointment so that we could learn how to lean... who let us feel *that* so we could fully appreciate *this*.

And so, the beds moved to Bruceville.

And with them, the Boyles family.

our first night in the new house

That evening was a blur. We ate some sort of supper that night, I think... [Lord tell me I fed the children the night before their first day of school?] We packed the back of my truck with clothes, bedding and other necessities. Beds went up. Jim made more trips back to Edwardsport for this or that which we needed to survive [back packs]. The kids lay on the living room floor watching a show in their kindle fires. And then we headed to bed.

I will never forget the feeling of laying there in my bed in this new house. I felt foreign. Like I was somewhere I didn't belong... sleeping in someone else's house.  Walking in the promise we had stood on so long. Jim and I could not sleep. Despite our exhaustion we talked through the night. I found out the next day, Tali and Zach lay awake deep into the night as well.

The next day I visited the old house. I expected to walk in and be washed by a wave of nostalgia, maybe even a tinge of sadness... but instead I found that it felt even smaller. More claustrophobic. The decor more dated. Less like home. In fact, it felt foreign too.

That night I told Jim, "here we have two houses... and neither of them feel like home"... don't get me wrong, we were over-the-moon, out-of-our-minds ecstatic about The New House... it just didn't feel like home yet. 

After exhaustion finally won the battle in the man next to me, I lay there alone with me thoughts. Two houses, no home.

As I talked with God that night... He whispered to my heart that this is a little bit like the life He expects us to live on this earth.

Friends, this world is not your home, so don't make yourselves cozy in it. Don't indulge your ego at the expense of your soul. Live an exemplary life among the natives so that your actions will refute their prejudices. Then they'll be won over to God's side and be there to join in the celebration when he arrives. 1 Peter 2:11 MSG

This world... no more our home than that old house. This world, crowded, claustrophobic, less than His desire for our lives. Toilet that doesn't flush right. Wallpaper border torn by the busy hands of a toddler. Carpets stained. Cracks in the ceiling from a tree limb that fell. And so small in the face of His Kingdom. The Kingdom that stretches across time and space.

Yet how many of us really feel at home in this Kingdom-life either? How many of us feel like we don't quite belong. We aren't quite good enough. We don't deserve a garden tub in our bathroom. Or more kitchen cabinets than we can fill. A living room that can comfortably host our friends. Sometimes I feel like I'm not good enough for THIS promise:

..."In my Father’s house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you..." John 14:2 NIV84

Jesus Christ, raised in the home of a carpenter... likely taught the trade by his earthly father... Preparing a HOME for me... for you... for us... in His Father's Heavenly kingdom!

When I think about that... the tears flow just as they did the moment Jim said "I'm taking the bunk beds apart".

This is really happening. He is really preparing a place for us. As amazing as this new house is... it is nothing compared the the one He is preparing in eternity! Good enough? I did nothing to deserve this house. I can do nothing to deserve Heaven. It's all His grace. His beautiful, astounding, extraordinary, amazing GRACE. This is the Kingdom life He has promised us, the eternity He has prepared for us... to join Him where He is.

But until then... we find ourselves living in the {in between}. In that place of being in the world but not of the world. In that place of knowing that our real home is with God, and feeling like aliens and strangers here... hearts that reside in the Kingdom, bodies in the world.  Laying in your bed, in Aunt Sharon's house.  But don't think that this {in between} time is just a time of waiting... no, it's a time of taking down the bunk beds and moving them on into the Kingdom. It's bringing Kingdom Living to this earth through our lives. It's living the Promise, and inviting others to live it with us. At first... it's going to feel pretty weird. When you first move into the Kingdom, it might feel a lot like you are living in someone else's house, enjoying someone else's promise. But the more time you spend in the Kingdom, the more time you spend painting the walls of your heart with the Word, the more time you spend communing with family there, inviting friends over and feeding them from your table... the more it will begin to feel like home.

We have been in the new house for three weeks tonight. We are still figuring things out- like how much cold water to mix with the hot in the shower (you know how you have it dialed right in to that perfect temp after fifteen years in the same shower?) How many clothes it takes to make a full load in that giant washer and dryer. That one must only use a small (very small) amount of bubbles when adding them to a bathtub with jets. That we can sweep the kitchen floor a dozen times a day, and it's still going to get tracked on. Where the outlets are (all fifteen trillion of them, it's GLORIOUS). We have painted the kitchen, hung a few pictures, decorated the tops of the cabinets... left towels on the floor overnight. We have begun to settle in.  Bibles on tables. Photography stuff piled in the door. This is where we live. In this promise fulfilled.

Tali told me that a couple of nights ago, she was laying in bed reading a book when she just closed it, and lay there thinking "I have MY OWN ROOM. This is MINE."

It's still surreal. Part of me hopes that it always is. That I can always feel the wonder of a dream fulfilled by the only One able. That as I walk through this house, bumping into things in the dark, I will be reminded of what it's like to walk out of this world and into the Kingdom. Eventually I will be able to navigate with my eyes closed... oh that my heart would be so comfortable in the Kingdom living that I will be guided by my spiritual eyes rather than physical ones!  That the grandfather clock chiming would always be a reminder that He is an ON TIME GOD. That our family will be forever changed by His faithfulness, and that we should never, ever, ever forget how faith opened the door to this new home.

Lord, would you help us see the beauty of your Kingdom here on earth? in our hearts? Will you help us to live this {in between} life... aliens here longing for there... to the fullest glory of You? Will you remind us daily of our blessings, of our abundant life in you, of the things that really matter. Not houses, not paint, not pretty decor... but eternity spent in you. Letting your Kingdom reign in our hearts and in our homes... bringing it to our communities and the people who desperately need it the most. Thank you Father, for your faithfulness, for hearing our prayers, and for loving us so stinking much...

A few more pics for your viewing pleasure... bringing the Boyles' touch to a new house is fun. bringing your heart into the Kingdom is even better :)

t&z on our back deck the first day of school

a rare picture of zach painting. this lasted approximately ten minutes.

on the mantle. surreal.

kitchen decor. and that's our new-fangled chore sheet on the fridge
(used a sharpie for the lines, and dry erase marker for the rest so we don't have to print one every week)

just portion of our counter space- and this picture alone is more than we had in our entire kitchen at the old house.

above our sink so that we may never, ever forget

and then He said YES.

Scripture tells us to take all of our requests to God, and that if we are praying according to His will, we will have what we have asked of Him. So often we take that scripture and twist God into some sort of genie in a bottle… granting wishes and desires just because we asked.

But that’s not who our God is. He is a wise Father who knows what is best for us. He knows the beginning from the end. And sometimes, His answer is no. Sometimes the thing we ask is not according to His will. Sometimes the best thing is not the immediate thing.

I have written a lot about that “no”. The “no” hurts. It’s confusing. Hearts are broken. It doesn’t make sense. I know all about the "no", I have learned much from those two letters.  

But sometimes… God says “YES”. Today I finally get to tell you about a major "yes" in our lives... one that was made possible because He first said "no". This is the story of an answered prayer, not in my time... but His. It is a reminder that He often works in delayed dreams. And for you to really understand the miracle... I have to go where Paul Harvey spent so much of his time... telling "the rest of the story"...

When Jim and I moved into our cute little starter home in Edwardsport, we only planned to be here until we started having kids. Unfortunately, we were young and dumb, and we didn’t guard our credit like we needed to in order to make that happen.

[BIG mistakes were made]

And so, in 2006 during one of Kathy Stephen’s Bible Studies she handed out little notecards on which she asked us to write our list of “impossible” situations… and to take those situations to a God for whom nothing is impossible.  I hesitated to even write it… because the reason for the “impossibility” was of my own making… yet there at the very bottom of the card I finally wrote “a bigger house”. It’s not that I wanted square footage or room to entertain… my heart just wanted to give Tali and Zachary their own rooms.

For three years that card rode around in my Bible, and when I saw it, I would take that impossible situation back to God. 

And then we saw it. The House on Morgan Road. [all capitalized, because that is the position it took in my heart]. It was empty, a foreclosure, stripped of everything that could be removed from the home… but bigger. And perfect. And… an answer to prayer.

I set off to the courthouse to get information, which led me to the Sherriff's Dept. I was given the name of the attorney who handled the foreclosure and the warning that they may not be able to give me any information. Each step of the way my prayer was the same... "God if this is not your will, please close the door".

I had been telling Jim that we should go walk around the house seven times with his shofar, praying all Jericho-style, asking God to deliver it over into our hands. He thought I was a little nuts [nothing new], but had seen God answer my crazy prayers enough that he would pull in and walk around the house once every time we drove by. After getting the number of the law firm and making a call to them, I decided today was the day for The Official March.

Stomping through weeds as high as my knees I trekked the uneven ground around The House on Morgan Road seven times. “God, you are a good God! And you are a faithful God! And if you want to, if this is YOUR will, you can make this house ours! YOU CAN DO THAT GOD, and I know you don’t do these kind of miracles for the sake of the miracle, but so that YOU will be glorified… God I just ask that if you are going to do this, you will keep the door open. But if this is outside your will that you will shut the door…”

At some point in my prayer I laid out the fleece… “God, if this is your will, would you cause that attorney to call me back as soon as I finish my seventh lap around the house?” It seemed ridiculous, but I’m the kind of follower that asks for ridiculous confirmations.

As I started my seventh trip around the house, I wished quietly that I had that shofar… and then in the distance a train horn blew. Every detail.

I finished in the front of the house.

I pulled out my phone and looked at it.

Nothing.

I sank to my knees in the front lawn.

I poured out all of my requests and dreams and desires to Him.

Still no call.

Deciding that it WAS ridiculous to ask God to do that, I got in my car, and pulling out of the driveway I aimed my car toward home.

And then it rang.

The moment all four tires were on the pavement, the attorney called me.

I was totally blown away. I am one to ask for ridiculous confirmations, but am still shocked when HE provides them!

Talking to the attorney, I was given the name of a contact person within the mortgage company that had possession of the house. I learned it was a home purchased with an FHA loan, which caused all sorts of complications with the purchase of it, and that I would have to work directly with them. Another phone call was made.

Another ridiculous request put before God.

“God, please don’t be angry with me… but I need to know you want us to pursue this… if you do… would you please have the mortgage company call me back while I’m waiting to pick the kids up from school?”

A fleece laid out that couldn’t be wet for three more hours. Crazy.

And then, at 3:05, sitting in my car outside the kid’s school…

The phone rang.

I can’t make this stuff up.

I learned that because the house was insured by the FHA, the purchase would be tangled up for a while. I was given an email address and told to keep in touch, but that it could take a while. God had confirmed it, and so we waited. 

The next Sunday in church, Seth preached on Luke 1:37. For nothing is impossible with God. The small notation in my Bible says “House on Morgan Rd-11/29/09”. 

A week later while case managing, I noticed yard signs everywhere with this same scripture. “Nothing is impossible with God”. Dozens of them.  Overwhelmed, I parked my car and called a friend. And looking up was a literal billboard that said the same. Nothing is impossible with God. 

He was going to do this thing! He was going to give us a house!!!

And we believed.

And we waited.

For a year.

And then, on February 25, 2011 one of my monthly emails came back with the following:

This property was transferred to HUD. Please call 1-800-CALL-FHA for more information.

It was GO TIME. This meant the home would soon be going up for auction. And the Lord had kept the door open this whole time.

We believed.

We dreamed.

We decorated rooms and painted walls and had friends over and cleaned up the yard and lived in that house… all in our minds… for over a year.

And now it was time for God to do what we knew God was going to do.

More investigation, more following up, contacting a local realtor, learning the process… God was so evident in every single detail. 

Then a Saturday morning call from Jim, “we need $3000 today to stay in the running for the house”.  We didn’t have that much cash, and we couldn’t even get to the bank in time to try to work out a loan. Again, "God if you are going to do this thing, keep the door open..."  

Within an hour, that entire amount of money had been secured through the generosity of friends and family. $1000 here and a $100 there. I drove up to our little "starter" home to find my husband, the tough guy, sitting on the front porch in tears. "He is going to do this, Becky!" Monday morning another miracle, and we were able to secure the rest of the bid amount from the bank.

We were blown AWAY.

God was going to do this!

We placed our bid. We signed on the dotted line. And when we doubted our bid on the way home, God took us directly to John 15:7... "if you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given to you."  We trusted our bid and we left it alone.

What a roller coaster it was… but it was so much fun because we knew it was going to end with us living in The House on Morgan Road.

And then came the no. We didn't win the house. We weren't even close.

And it hurt so bad. Not just because of the no… had I been told no that day I was looking for information, it would have been one thing. Had we not been able to get the initial bid amount together it would have been another. Had someone else bought the home outright from the mortgage company, we would have seen God closing the door. But He took us to the very last step in the process and we believed with everything within us that He was going to do this thing... so much so that it didn't feel like we were being denied something, but that something we already had was being taken from us. 

I would like to tell you that I put on a big faith-filled smile and said "God is so good, He must have a better plan!" or that I embraced the text messages that said "Prasing God for the BETTER thing He has in store!!!" but I did not. I was hurt, and confused, and sad. And Jim was just mad. He had gone from such faith and belief to questioning and doubt in the span of one two letter word.

The next week I wept before the Lord a lot. I had a good old fashioned pity-party. And then I finally asked… “Lord, won’t you help me understand? I understand the ‘no’… but why in the world would you take us all the way through the process just to shut the door?”

And He said to me “I need you and Jim to trust me as much in the ‘no’ as in the ‘yes’”.

And I realized, that had God let us get that house, Jim would have let me put John 15:7 up on the wall. But what would it have meant??? That our faith is strong when God is giving us what we want… but what about when the answer is no? Where is our faith then? Do we trust Him in the “no”? Do we trust Him when His plan does not make sense? Do we trust the path He has us on, even when it turns unexpectedly? God knew my heart's desire for a home... but He knew my greater desire to see my husband and myself grow in our reliance on Him. 

And so the wait resumed.

I told God that if my kids graduated high school and were still sharing a bunk bed, it would be weird, but not the end of the world. And that if my house was never big enough to host another family or two comfortably, that would be okay too. And that if my kitchen was always so small that I could touch the fridge, stove, cabinets, and sink all from standing in the same spot in the center, that would be fine (I don’t really like cooking that much anyway).

But that I still believed He could do it.

Jim and I did walk through several modular homes. We looked online at real estate listings. We looked at ways we could make it happen. But there was never a peace about that path. We even considered ways to add on to this home, wondering if that was God's will instead. But that didn't feel right either. We could have forced the issue, we could have forced our way into a larger house, we could have taken loans we couldn't manage at the time... but He told us to wait. And so we waited.

And then God did something unexpected to all…

Jim’s Aunt, recently widowed for the second time… fell in love.

And she didn’t just fall in love, she fell head over heels in love with an incredible man of God who is just as smitten with her. 

[It’s adorable.]

And soon after falling in love, they were engaged. It was at the family get-together the day of the proposal that Tali asked Aunt Sharon where she was going to live after she got married… what would she do with her house?  

Aunt Sharon answered “Well, I was going to talk to your mom and dad about that, actually”.

[and this, reader, is when my tears start to flow, because God IS so good, and He is able, and His timing is perfect…]

I’m not going to lie, although I love Sharon and know her as my own aunt, and can’t imagine anyone I would trust to their word more than her… my heart had a hard, hard time believing. I told the kids not to tell anyone. I didn’t tell anyone. Even when people asked me about it (because Sharon or family had told them we were moving) I would say something noncommittal like “oh we think so” or “it sure looks that way”.

I had been so hurt by The Last House…  could I risk my heart again?

For months Sharon would talk about us moving into her home. And although I believed, I needed help in my unbelief.

And this last week, I told her that. I told her how hard it was for my heart to believe. How excited the kids were, and that we had even gone out on faith and bought a few decorations for their new rooms, but that I still had this fear of something freakish happening and the whole deal to fall through.

That night she called to let Jim know she had started moving all of her stuff out, so that we could get in. She sent a picture, and in that moment my heart knew…

God was saying “yes” to that prayer from December 2006.

He was answering that impossible situation in the way only HE could orchestrate.

He really is doing this thing.

And so, this last Saturday, we began to pack up fifteen years of living into cardboard boxes.

We are moving.

Can I say that again???

We ARE moving!!!!

To a bigger house with three bedrooms and a full basement and two bathrooms and a human sized kitchen and CLOSETS. Oh glorious CLOSETS.

We are moving!!!

The kids will have their own rooms.  Storage will no longer be in the living room. Our bedroom will no longer house THREE dressers because the kid’s room is too small and the closet space abysmal.  We will be able to go to the bathroom while someone else is showering.

God is so good!

And although His goodness is still hard for me to grasp [confession: I just texted Jim “I wrote a blog about us moving, that’s okay isn’t it? I mean this is REALLY happening right?” and couldn’t bring myself to post without his "go for it" form of reassurance]… He is helping me in my unbelief.

He is helping me see how His timing is perfect.  How Jim and I just completed Financial Peace University [btw Dave Ramsey approves of the kind of arrangements that will be made in the purchase of this home ;)], and have already made great strides in the path to financial freedom… how we are ready for the commitment a new home now. How we used that money secured for The Other House to put a new roof on our house, making it rentable or sellable.  How the school corporation consolidated last year, so that the kids won’t have to change schools now with the move. How family moving into her home bring a measure of peace to Sharon.

How He had a plan all along. How He knew what He was doing… taking us down that path and teaching Jim and I to trust Him in the no. How His ultimate goal is not about a house… but about making us mature and complete in Him… and that each step along this way has refined and grown us, individually and as a couple.  That even this yes is growing us. Teaching us to trust God’s will more than the good thing, but at the same time learning that as a good Daddy, He does like to give good gifts to His children. And that even though we don’t deserve it…  He loves us enough to do this for us.

In the same way that He loved Sharon and Myron both enough to give them each other.

His plan is so intricately woven, such a beautiful design… it’s hard to imagine what it will look like when we peer back over the tapestry of our lives in His presence.

The next weeks will be a flurry of cardboard boxes and trash bags. There are things in this home that I have not laid eyes on in a decade, I am sure (once you make your way to the top of my closet, you stay there). It will be bittersweet at times… Tali’s first steps were in my bedroom. Zach’s first bath on my kitchen table. We watched 9/11 unfold over and over in replays from this living room. Friends and family who have crashed on couches. Christmases and birthdays and brand new babies home from the hospital. Dinners served for friends out of that tiny little kitchen.  A pet cemetery in the side yard marks pups and cats gone by. Fifteen years of living. Of pictures. Of memories.

But oh, how I look forward to the next chapter.  How thankful I am for His grace and mercy and love… How thankful I am that HE made a way, where there appeared to be none. 

And finally I can say how thankful I am for the "no", the "no" that made this "yes" possible...

Thank you, to those of you who have walked with us on this path. You have prayed for us, supported us, and comforted us when the answer was no. Thank you, Sharon and Myron, for your generosity and desire to make this house work out for us. You are a blessing to our lives and we are so, so happy for you guys and thankful to be a part of your lives. Thank you, to my husband who has been patient with me as I allowed my heart to believe this is really happening, and for waiting to pack until I was ready. And most of all, thank you Jesus... for hearing all of those prayers for years... and answering them in just the right way, at just the right time.

happy birthday, to the little girl who changed my life...

Twelve and a half years ago I made a routine visit to my doctor’s office.  After the visit, as I sat on the side of the table, he asked “is there anything else we need to talk about”. I remember the nervous tension filling my body as the words tumbled out… “well… maybe it’s not a big deal, but we’ve been trying to have a baby for about a year, with no luck”.

I also remember the look on the doctor’s face. Concern.

He quickly responded that it did not have to be a big deal, but that really, we should be doing prenatal visits by now. Let’s look a little closer.

An ultrasound later, my mind was spinning with new terminology, a diagnoses, prescriptions…

PCOS. Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. It explained so much… missed cycles, no baby, that frustrating couple of hairs on my chinny-chin-chin. There was still blood work to be done, but the doctor was certain this was the cause of our delay.  

What was already a preoccupation with getting pregnant became a full out obsession. The next months were a flurry of fertility drugs, basal thermometers, cycle charts, message boards, pregnancy tests, internet research… it was a roller coaster from the heights of hope, to the depths of disappointment. It was a season of feeling less-than. Friends got pregnant who weren’t even trying… what was wrong with me that I couldn’t have a baby? What had I done?  There were days laying in a darkened bedroom when the blood test revealed no chance of ovulation.

And I was going it alone. Of course Jim was there (he was necessary to the process, after all)…  but I was far from God at the time. The depth of hopelessness I felt during this season haunts me… it reminds me of what the lost in this world deal with every single day.  Going through this world without Romans 8:28, or Jeremiah 29:11 or Psalm 139. It was heartbreaking and lonely and dark.

Yes, I was far from God. But now I know, He was never far from me. He knew just what I needed, and I am so thankful that even before I knew 2 Timothy was a book in the Bible, His promises found there held true… and even when I was faithless, He remained faithful.  That the One who knows the end from the beginning, knew that the child He was weaving together in my womb would be the very thing that led me back to Him…

With the clearest recollection, I remember the moment I pushed “play” on my answering machine and heard the nurse excitedly report “I was mistaken, Becky… I looked at last month’s results. We just got your test back and it looks like you DID ovulate this month!”

Hope.

The first glimmer of hope on the darkest of horizons. I knew that there was only a small chance that I would actually get pregnant after one ovulation… yet there was hope.

It was mid-May, and I was job coaching a client at a local nursing home. I never worked on Sundays, but this was an exception. It was early in the morning, and suddenly I felt sick. I ran to the bathroom and then returned to work. A few minutes later it happened again…

Splashing water on my face, in the bathroom of a nursing home that is no longer even there, I looked in the mirror and realized… it’s Mother’s Day. Could this be the most incredible mother’s day gift ever? Could I dare to hope that big?? I returned to my client, an older, out-spoken woman, who declared with no question in her mind “girl, you are pregnant”.

Five pregnancy tests later I finally believed her.

[Yes, five. I told you I was obsessed]

I had the most amazing pregnancy with this little one. In fact, that Mother’s Day was the only time I was even sick.  I knew even at that time that getting sick that morning was a special gift from God. It was a gift I didn’t deserve. To find out I was going to be a Mother, on Mother’s Day. Isn’t He beautiful?

And while that was a gift, I could not in my wildest imaginings know what a precious gift this child would be to my life. This little one that I dreamed would be a little girl, with lots of hair and dark eyes like her daddy.

And on January 17, 2001 that dream came true.

A brand new Tali Sue

We named her Tali Susanne. Talley was my maiden name, and it was an honor to pay homage to my own daddy, Joe Talley. But more than that, the baby name books revealed that Tali is a derivative of Talia, which is a Hebrew name that means "Dew from Heaven". It seemed appropriate, this child who felt like a miracle after a year and a half of the infertility roller coaster... but little could I know how prophetic her name would be.

As I sit here looking to my wall of pictures, the memories come flooding back. Her bright-eyed newborn picture. A child with an “old soul”, many of my friends would say. Always aware, always watching… absorbing her world. The toddler who would ask Mamaw how her hip was feeling. So tender, so empathetic.  The 2.5 year old so excited to take her first dance class… watching her through the glass as she bent down and forced her feet into first position with her hands. The big sister holding her prize and joy in the form of a squirmy, red newborn brother. The little girl who led me back to Jesus.

You know how babies are, you want to show them off. So a week after she was born, I dolled her up and headed to church. Now I had been attending church on and off for a while, but it was nothing serious… it just seemed to be the right thing to do.  Sitting in that pew that Sunday, I knew that she should be raised in a church, just as I had been. And so those intermittent trips to FBC Bicknell became regular.

And God began speaking to me. Calling to me. He wanted more than an hour of my time. He wanted me.

Still, I resisted.

My daughter, however, was falling in love with Jesus. She would dance in worship, while I worried what everyone would think of me if I raised my hands. And this kid talked about God all of the time. Everything she learned in children’s church became discussion later that day. She reminded me of the love I once had for Him.

Still, I resisted.

It’s not that I didn’t want Jesus. It’s that I did want the world. And I wouldn’t sacrifice the latter to have the former. I was comfortable in my sin, and I wanted to stay there. Couldn’t I just have them both?

And then, when Tali was 3 years old… we skipped church to go to the campground and visit with Mamaw and Papaw.  Tali was walking their puppy on a leash, she was watching the dog… she didn’t see where she was going… but her daddy did. He yelled out “Tali! Tali! Tali!” and began to run her direction. I turned just in time to see my precious little miracle falling backward into the campfire ring.

Everyone else ran to her- Jim was almost to her already. My brother was right behind. But I couldn’t go. I couldn’t face what I might see. I turned my face to the sky and covering my eyes with my hands I cried out… Oh Jesus, please protect her. Please protect her. Please protect her.

Shouts interrupted my prayers- “Water! Water!” I turned to see a cooler sitting nearby. Throwing the last few items left from a long weekend camping out on the ground, Jim plunged her into the icy water. My mind reminded me that ice isn’t good for burns, but we had no other options and so we had to make do. I remember looking at her little face… the sheer terror in her eyes. She wasn’t even crying- just looking back up at us in fear.  We didn’t bother to check her over- we just got immediately in the car and went to the hospital.

It was there, with her on my lap in the front seat, wrapped in a wet towel, that I looked at her little hand, now twice its size. I remember thinking that it looked like a lion's paw. Yellowish with blisters that covered the entire underside of her fingers and palm.  Surely her back was just as bad. She was laying on a bed of hot coals, her legs dangling over the edge of a steel fire ring. Surely we were on our way to Wishard, a hospital with a burn unit a couple of hours away. I prayed in her ear for her to have the strength to show her hand to the doctors and nurses. To be courageous as they treated her wounds. For God to protect her body from shock.

And you know, although my heart had resisted His call time and time and time again… He heeded every one of those prayers. Because He knows the end from the beginning. He knew just what I needed.

Jesus indeed protected her as she lay in that fire ring. Unexplainably, her hand was the only significant injury. Her back had one minor burn, and although her legs were dirty from the fire ring- the ring that sizzled and crackled when my family poured water on the remainder of the coals- they were not hurt.  Her left hand had a few small burns. But her right hand. It was bad.

She had to go through 10 days of painful debridement and twice daily bandage changes. And she was so brave.  I couldn’t help but think of the irony that, having just started going to SonShine Kids she had memorized only one Bible verse in her little life. Isaiah 41:10:

Tali, the day before her accident.

So do not fear, for I am with you;
Do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Pulling up to the hospital every morning, she would say “do I have to go in, Mommy?” and when I told her we had to, to make her hand better… she would get out of the car, take my hand, and walk in bravely. I never had to carry this three year old child, kicking and screaming into the place that would cause her such pain. She walked in of her own accord. What courage!

When debridement was over, and I can’t even describe to you what that time in that little room was like, she would go to her therapist… and give them a hug. As if to comfort them.  What grace!

And when debridement got particularly bad, and I was questioning why He would allow this to happen to my little girl, why not me… her comment to the song on the radio broke in to my thoughts… “Hey mommy! This song is about my best friend, God!” Less than fifteen minutes after enduring the pain of scalpels and scissors, she reminded me that God was still her best friend. What faith!

When I felt that things were looking hopeless, and the PT on a Sunday morning warned that she was seeing little improvement, Tali went to church and raised her hand in worship… and what were the words being sung?? “I never said you woudn’t have to walk through the fire…” What love!

Do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will strengthen you with my righteous right hand.

She recited this verse during this time. And I learned that it was true.  

It was then, that God began to wreck my heart. He showed me His son, through my daughter.  Through her courage, her grace, her faith, and her love… I met Jesus in an entirely different way.  It set me on the path to real relationship... a relationship that is everything to me now.  And then, just to put the icing on the cake (after all, He is a lavish Father), He began to heal her hand that day… so that no grafts or surgeries or even physical therapy was required.

Tali’s love for Jesus has only grown over the last eight years. And that courage, grace, faith, and love that were first evidenced in a three year old have carried her far with the Lord. She has a zeal for Him. Jesus is her first love, and she always keeps that in perspective.  Recently given a chance to take an additional dance class a week (which she wants to do so badly), she told me she just couldn’t, because Monday is Bible Study night and her week “just isn’t right without Bible Study”.  When she heard about kids enslaved in Africa, she didn’t just feel sorry for them, she did something, joining with a friend and launching Kids 4 Freedom.  When her teacher gave her the chance to teach a Bible Study during recess one day a week, she didn’t question the call and said yes.

And so I continue to learn from her. From her dedication to her priorities… from her conviction to the be a world-changer, never complacent with the knowledge that “someone else” will do it… from her trusting the call God has on her life, and following it whole heartedly (okay, okay, so I’m still learning this last lesson, but with His help I am working on it)… 

When I look back over the last eleven years… I can’t imagine my life without Tali. To say that she changed my life is an understatement… she has changed my eternity.  She is not perfect (for more on that you can read this post), but she is in love with Jesus, and He is working her toward perfection, just as He is all of us!  And I am so thankful that, in the book of my life, He wrote in this beautiful child to be a part of that process. Not just for me, but for her daddy as well.

He truly knew, just what we needed when he knit her together. He knew that our hearts were far from Him.  He also know that a little child shall lead them. He sent us a precious gift in Tali Sue.

Beautiful Tali, loving on her Daddy God

Our “Dew from Heaven”. Certainly, that is exactly what this child is… precious dew from His hand, sent to quench this dry and weary land. She started with the arid desert of my heart, and then turned her gentle gift of grace on her daddy, leading him to church when my invitations sounded like nagging.  She now prays for others in our family to know the relationship she knows.  She shares her love for her Savior with her friends at school in her Bible Study.  And my heart is preparing itself for the continued plans the Lord has for her… to quench the desert places of the world with His grace and love. He isn't done with her yet.

Birthdays are meant for celebrating, and so today I celebrate my beautiful daughter. The one who knew I was worried about the storm this morning, and so texted me "Love You" just before entering school and turning her phone off. The child whom I am given the responsibility of teaching, guiding, encouraging… This child who has done all of those things for me. 

I love you, Tali Sue... there are not enough words to express how big that love is... Thank you for who you are... 

And thank you Father, for giving this special, precious gift to someone like me. What grace...

Thoughts from Wim Hoff.

I know what you are thinking, who in the world is Wim Hoff? And why should I care what he's thinking? Well in brief he is this Dutchman that goes running around on the sides of mountains in nothing but a pair of shorts and occasionally, sandals. I saw a documentary about him last night on Discovery. They called him "The Iceman" because of his uncanny ability to withstand temperatures for periods of time thought impossible for humans. He once spent 1 hour and 17 minutes packed in ice, remaining alert the entire time. He's even taken a stab at Mt. Everest wearing nothing but his shorts and sandals. Which again begs the question, why do I care what he's thinking? Well, I will tell you... during the course of his interview last night he said something that I had to write down:

I am not afraid to die... I am afraid not to live.

You see he's faced quite a bit of eyebrows-raised-criticism for what some would think of as dangerous, frivolous, antics. But to him, running through ankle-deep snow in a pair of cotton shorts is living.

Now I'm certainly not advocating stripping to the bare essentials and jogging around in the snow, or even the sun for that matter. But this mantra of his, "I am not afraid to die... I am afraid not to live" got me thinking. It got me thinking about a story I recently read in the Bible. It's a story that has haunted me in a way, challenged me. You can find this story in Numbers 13-14. I encourage you to read it for yourself... but here it is New Revised Becky Paraphrase:

Almighty God has delivered the Israelites from slavery in Egypt, parted the Red Sea, protected them during their passage through the dessert, met them on a mountain, fed them from His very hand... you get the idea. God has been there for His people. In every detail He has provided. He has not failed them a single time. He had proven Himself a trustworthy, faithful, generous God. And He has done all of this to deliver them into a land flowing with milk and honey.

Here we find the Israelites camped at the border of this Promised Land. God tells Moses to send in 12 leaders to scout the land and bring back to the people a report, and so they do. Among those sent are Caleb and Joshua. These twelve spies go into the land and when they return they bring with them fruit as evidence of the bounty of the land they have seen. They tell Moses and the Israelites "We went into the land to which you sent us, and it does flow with milk and honey!" (13:27) You can picture it, can't you... "It's just like God said it would be! Look, here is the fruit of the vine... and it's everywhere!"

and then it comes.

the but.

"But the people who live there are powerful, and the cities are fortified and very large." (13:28)

So human, huh? Out of the twelve that went, ten were convinced that the people inhabiting the lands were too large and powerful for them to overtake. The fatal flaw is that they didn't have to do it at all... their God would go before them and behind them! He had promised them this land and He had demonstrated Himself to be a Father who never breaks His promises! He had parted the sea on their behalf! What could He not do? But their faith was not in Him, it was in their own ability.

Dang it.

But there were two, Caleb and Joshua, who stood up to the crowd and proclaimed "The land we passed through and explored is exceedingly good. If the LORD is pleased with us, he will lead us into that land, a land flowing with milk and honey, and will give it to us." (14:7-9) They proclaim if God is for us, who can be against us!!! (Romans 8:31). They beg the Israelites to trust the God who had already shown up in so many ways, to trust that He would provide, to believe that He would go before them. They tore their clothes and cried out to the Israelites who were by this time in full freak-out mode.

Despite all He had already done for them, the Israelites could only see the obstacles. They were so sure they couldn't go any farther that they petitioned one another to choose a new leader and... hold on to your seats here... return to Egypt. Seriously! They wanted to return to slavery!

But Caleb and Joshua thought differently, and God said "But because my servant Caleb has a different spirit and follows me wholeheartedly, I will bring him into the land he went to, and his descendants will inherit it." (14:24) Caleb demonstrated the heart God would have us seek after- a heart that trusts in HIS promise and provision! And because Caleb had this heart, God said "I will bring him into My Promise!"

Boy do I ever want to be THAT guy.

But instead so many times we end up being the masses that writhe around in doubt and unbelief, the ones about whom God said: "As surely as I live, declares the LORD, I will do to you the very things I heard you say" (14:28). Over and over again God had heard them whine and moan that God had only brought them into this desert to die, over and over again God had heard them doubt His provision, over and over again He had witnessed their unbelief... and finally He said "That's it! I've had ENOUGH! I will give you exactly what you have asked for over and over and over again! Here! Have your death if that's what you want so badly!" And He declared that not one of the unbelieving Israelites would enter the Promised Land.

I do NOT want to be that guy.

I do not want to be the one that only sees the obstacles, and fails to see the one Who has already overcome those obstacles! I want to be CALEB. I want to be the guy that says "No! Don't turn around! Press on! With GOD all things are possible! He said He's going to do this, and He will!"

Now, some of you may be wondering, what in the world does this have to do with Wim Hoff? [and the rest of you, weary from this long post, have already forgotten all about him, right?] You see, Wim isn't afraid of dying... he doesn't see an obstacle... he sees an opportunity to LIVE.

My friend, if you are alive in Christ Jesus, you are ALIVE. You need not fear death, but relish every opportunity to live out your life in the light of His grace! We are going to face challenges- that's a promise... but take heart because each of those are an opportunity to shine, grow, and learn. Consider it PURE JOY, my brothers and sisters, when you face trials of many kinds (James 1:2).

When I worked at Hartland I would often go into Steve's office with the proclamation "Steve, I have a problem"... to which he would promptly (and quite annoyingly) reply... "is it a problem or an opportunity?"

Steve, I get it now.

When the Israelites stood on the shores of the Red Sea, they saw an obstacle, and God saw a chance to SHOW OFF. When they cried in the desert that they were starving, their eyes were on the problem, but God used it as an opportunity to demonstrate His grace and provision. On their own, they could not have made it into the desert. On their own they could not make it through the desert. And on their own they would not make it into the Promised Land, but with God ALL THINGS are possible. And He eventually did lead a new generation into the land flowing with milk and honey.

When we face obstacles, we should be like Mr. Hoff, and Steve Hart, and Caleb... and instead of focusing on the problem look for the opportunity that lies within that problem. Who knows that God won't call any one of us home this very night? Who knows that we will live just another week, or month, or year? That, my friends, doesn't scare me at all... what scares me is the thought of not living a life devoted to Him in the meantime.

I am not afraid to die... I am afraid not to live.

Free Dr. Pepper!

It's like a special little smile from God, just for me :) (and Courtney)...

This Sunday you can go onto Dr. P's website and download a coupon for a free bottle of thirst quenching deliciousness. Read why here.

God works in ALL things

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

Look at the face of this little miracle. Isn't he beautiful? His name is Soren, and he reminds us that God works in all things. Every little detail. Even the unexplainable.

Soren is the son of Jim's cousin, Marjorie, who lives in Chicago. He has an older brother, Zain. This is family that we do not get to see nearly enough, but when we do the conversations flow freely and laughter is a constant. About a month ago Jim's aunt and uncle (who would be Soren's grandparents) were visiting the family. Bear with me as my details are second hand but the gist of the story is...

Taking a walk in the park something unexplainable occured- a van coming out of nowhere hit the family who were on foot. Little Soren in his stroller went flying. Everyone was thrown and the van drove off. A hit and run. The entire family was transported to the hospital and necessary bandaging, suturing, and xrays ensued. Amazingly, miraculously, despite being hit full on by a van... no one was seriously injured.

But something did show up on a scan of Soren. A mass in his abdomen, relatively large and eventually diagnosed as cancer. Had this little man not been hit by a van [as strange as it is to write] he would not likely have the prognosis he has today. Most likely, he wouldn't have been diagnosed until he started showing symptoms, until the cancer had spread, until treatments would be much more invasive and dangerous if they would be available at all. As it is, he's started chemotherapy and is tolerating the treatments quite well. He is facing surgery to remove the tumor, and I would appreciate your fervent prayers. To read a little more about him in order to know how specifically to pray, please visit his newly established CarePage.

It's amazing to me, to look into his beautiful face, and know that God may have saved his life through the unexplainable actions of an irresponsible, out of control person behind the wheel of a van. But that's how God works. In the details. In the impossible. In the unexplainable. It's times like this that I'm reminded I only see a small part of the picture, and even that I don't see clearly... but He... He sees it all. He sees our lives from beginning to end. He sees the lives of others interwoven with ours. And He knows best how to weave it together for good. Some of his stitches and strokes are unorthodox for sure... runaway vans in a park for instance... but each is perfect.