the silence is deafening

Any of you who know me, will not be surprised to find out that me and silence do not get along very well. Right now I am home alone. I've turned off the tv and the only sound is the ticking of my keyboard and the ceiling fan going 'round and 'round.

And my thoughts. My pesky, self-incriminating, endlessly nagging thoughts. Seth's blog post about Romans 12:1-2 made me wonder... you'll be changed from the inside out... yet here I am, a new creation in Christ wallowing in doubt and loneliness. A child of the Most High God, redeemed by grace second guessing every decision she's made and every word she's spoken over the last few months.

And quite honestly, it's driving me nuts. The noise of the silence is too much. If you want me to know that you are mad at me, or upset, or hurt- just stop talking to me... you won't have to say a word, or point out anything I've done wrong because frankly, my mind is more than happy to fill in the blanks accordingly. I know what a wretch I am. I just wish I didn't remind myself of it so often.

It's quite a paradigm, isn't it. On the one hand seeking to be renewed and transformed by Christ... on the other hand knowing what a job He has ahead of Him. The scripture says we'll be renewed from the inside out. But if I'm honest on the inside I have a long, long way to go. Maybe I'm like the pharisees that only wash the outside of the cup but on the inside still full of filth? That's not who I want to be... I want to be a glass that's transparent so that when you look to me you see straight through me to the Savior that's cleaning me up... but boy do I have a long way to go.


Christy said...

That's often the hardest part, our mind is a battlefield for satan. It is a daily struggle. Hang in there gal. Love Ya =)

Nancy said...


Thank you so much for your encouraging words and prayers for Rebekah. We truly believe that God has a plan and a purpose for Rebekah's life and for ours as well. We are so grateful and humbled by the prayers and support from strangers on earth but all members of a heavenly family.

Thank you so much and God bless!

Nancy (Rebekah's Mommy)