i can't breathe...

when i think about stories like this one. All-American family. One son, a daughter on the way. One day announcing the name of your baby girl, the next laughing about soccer practice, and the next announcing that you've had to take your husband to the hospital. He was admitted. Within two weeks he has gone home to be with the Lord. I can't even breathe when I think about the enormity of this kind of loss. When for the split second that I can stand it, I try to put myself in this young mother's shoes. But only for a split second, because I would go crazy to stay in that place much longer.

I think of Jim and how frustrated I can get about the most retarded things. How mad I get when I hear from Bev that we have plans with them- Jim and Garry have talked about it- but I haven't been clued in. (and I know you know what I mean Bev- I love hanging with you guys- and thankfully Garry's learned to text me directly to keep me in the loop!) How insigificant is that. How hurt I was when he got so upset about the ding we (being Zach, Mother Nature, and I) put in Thomas's door. How hateful I wanted to be in return. Instead of thanking God that we were having that argument IN CHURCH, where he wanted to be so bad he dragged our sick daugther to the service so he wouldn't miss it! How insignificant. How selfish. How self-centered. I know that the woman who writes the blog I linked above would probably give everything just to hear her husband's voice one more time, even if it is frustrated.

What if something like this happened to him? What would I do then? But I can't go there. I love him to the core of who I am. And even though we don't communicate the same way. Even though we love differently. Even though I get on his nerves sometimes and he on mine. Even though I get so focused on myself that I can't see beyond my nose at times... I love him. And I cannot imagine my life without him. I cannot. He is amazing. And it may sound cheesy, but he completes me... because he is who I am not. He is who God chose to finish the package. To tie up my loose ends.

I know that this post is going all over the place...and I'm officially into the ugly cry now. Please know that I am writing from a very, very deep place inside of me that goes untouched for the most part. But I just received the most beautiful gift. A plain white cd... it doesn't look like much... but it is full of pictures of my dad. And reading that blog, and then looking at those pictures, and I'm reminded of how temporary this life is. My daddy has been gone for two decades, but looking at those pictures I was the twelve year old little girl who just heard the words "your daddy is gone". And it was just like that. In a flash. No warning.

I know what God means by a "vapor on the wind".... I've seen the vapor vanish in a moment. But man, I do a terrible job living my life in the light of that reality.

Lord, help me to love better today. Help me to show my appreciation for the little things. Give me the grace I need to overlook small hurts and offenses. Help me love like you love Lord. I thank you for this day... I thank you for the breath you give me this moment. I thank you for the family and friends that you have put in my life that complete me. And I thank you, Jesus, than you understand what it means to be separated from someone that you love, and that you were willing to do that for me. Father, help me love through the annoyances, frustrations, and hurt... just like you love me. Jesus, make me more like you.

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