29: the Word

I write in my Bible. A lot. It bugs my husband some... all of the various color of highlighters and ink pens and such. I am pretty sure it bugs my pastor too, especially when I insist on telling him how many times he has preached from the same passage (I do encourage him that he has had fresh revelation every time though!). It does not bug my daughter, who has decided she is a Bible-margin-writer as well. She knows a good thing when she sees it.

If I have come to hear you speak, there is a small notation in my margin with your name on it. And a date.

If you have sent me a scripture that the Lord has spoken to your heart for me. There is a small notation in my margin with your name on it. And of course, the date.

When I read a chapter, I date it.

When the Lord speaks to my heart, I record His words and I date it.

When I have taught from a passage, I write down where and place it.

When He makes a promise to me, I write it in the back, and I date it. 

I can look back through my beloved, working-on-it's second binding, Bible and see the path He has led me down over the years.

Beside Romans 7:15 is the note "A turning point!"... and I so clearly recall taking my first feeble steps out of addiction. My heart encouraged by the fact that the Apostle Paul understood... 2000 years ago, he really understood. And that God knew my heart, and saw my struggle... and promised me in Romans 8:1 that there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Even if I was still trying to work it all out.

1 Samuel 1:12-16 carry a date as well. And a note about a time I was feeling very misunderstood by a spiritual leader in my own life. I identified with this woman whose priest did not recognize her own pain or earnest seeking of the Lord. 

Galatians 5 bear the notes of one learning what it was like to live a life of freedom, a life in the Spirit.

Malachi 1:10 the revelation that God desires so much more than our feeble sacrifices... He wants our best, He wants our all, and anything less does not satisfy our jealous God!

The challenging word He has spoken to me in Ezekiel. The love story He tells in the Song of Solomon. The cries of a ravished heart sang in the Psalms. The doubts of the saints. His Word, spoken to my heart to encourage, challenge, refine, grow, convict, love...

Hebrews 4:12 says For the word of God is living and active... 

And it is. It is a living, breathing thing, meeting us exactly where we are. Have you ever had that experience? Crying out to Him, then opening the Word to have Him answer your question... directly?

Feeling insecure before preaching at my church the first time, I told Him that I was in over my head. He was clearly confused when He called me to this. He took me to Isaiah 50:4 and I read "The Sovereign Lord has given me an instructed tongue, to know the word that sustains the weary. He wakens me morning by morning, wakens my ear to listen like one being taught"... What are the chances? Isn't He good? Isn't He generous? Time and again I have had these experiences in the scriptures!

His Word is life-giver and life-sustainer. It is our milk and our meat. It is our daily bread. We need it to survive.

So why in the world, when we are feeling weakest, is it the first thing we neglect?

This is not me pointing a finger at you, dear friend... this one is for me. 

In the margin of my Bible I have noticed a pattern develop over the last few years. A season of isolation, of feeling less-than, being on the outside looking in... and it seems to happen about this time of year. Call it seasonal-affective disorder, the holiday blues, or good old-fashioned spiritual warfare... the result is the same. And although I know the Word is what I need, even more than I need water or food, I have again found myself neglecting those pages I hold so precious. 

And today, as I shared my heart with a dear friend, she asked one simple question. It was a question my heart wanted to hear. "Are you still in the Word lately?" 

I needed that so badly! I had already began righting my ship, opening the Word and reading even when I didn't feel any specific direction while doing so... but there is something about knowing that she's going to ask me tomorrow how much I read tonight. There is also something about being purposeful in my study... I feel better already.

I know this time of year is hard for many of you. Perhaps you find yourself wrestling with depression, grief, abandonment, loss, isolation... my question for you... Are you still in the Word lately? If not, go there. I promise you, He will meet you there...

28: the chase

Last week my daughter and excitedly made our way to a local hospital to take in the sight and sound and feel of a newborn baby. 

There is simply nothing that compares to new life.

I can still feel his velvety soft skin against my cheek. The weight of promise in my arms. The joy when he would peek open an eye and peer into my own.

Brand new.

His entire life spreading out before him. Promise. A hope and a future.

I thought of this precious little gift as we studied the life of Saul-to-Paul tonight at Bible Study. That moment of new life found on the road to Damascus.  From darkness to light. From light to lightbearer.

I reflect on my own life made new in Christ. That time as a baby Christian, completely dependent on my Father. Spiritual milk my only nourishment for far too long… then… those first fumbling attempts to feed myself. What a mess I made of that! So many mistakes… yet I think that my Father smiled as He looked upon my sticky hands seeking to do His will.

Those times that my Father went to the other side of the room, and with an encouraging smile beckoned me to “come”… and stumbling, reaching, I made my way toward Him. Each time going a bit farther, so I must look harder, traverse more obstacles, learn more, be refined.  

Sometimes He must let go of our hand so we can learn to chase after Him.

I am chasing. And though at times He feels far off, I know that His eyes glisten with joy as He hears my footsteps coming ever nearer, nearer, nearer… 

Tonight I am thankful for the chase. I am thankful for the road from darkness to light... and from light to lightbearer. I am thankful that I can look back and see growth... yet look forward and see where He has yet to take me.

And I am thankful that I can be fully present in the season He has me in now. That I can rejoice in who He has created me to be.  That I can trust the process... and enjoy the chase.

playing catch-up

I have had a blessedly busy several days, and allowed myself the time off of blogging... but I did have things that I was thankful for each day:

23: thankful for new life. Holding a precious newborn in my hands and rejoicing with his amazing parents. Then celebrating growing older with my mother-in-law and the rest of Jim's family. It was a good, good, day.

24: thankful for a relaxing day enjoying the fellowship of family and friends. Reflecting on how blessed I am by the incredible people in my life.

25: thankful for perspective. After a midnight run to check out the Black Friday chaos (and not buying a thing!) I am thankful that I am not beholden to the things of this world as I once was.  That I feel the breaking heart of a starving child when I stand in places like Wal-Mart. Don't get me wrong, we are still celebrating a good old-fashioned American Christmas at our house, and our kids will be among those unwrapping a pile of presents on Christmas Day... but this year the perspective has shifted in our home. And I am thankful for that.

26: thankful for my giftings. Spent the day editing pictures I have taken of families recently. I love what I do. I am thankful that He has given me a gift that I can use to bless the lives of others in so many ways.

27: thankful for new beginnings. Stood in my church and watched two dear friends step into their happily-ever-after. Him on bended knee, her on shaking ones. He asked, and she said yes. Now a flurry of wedding planning ensues... and I cannot wait!

22: getting real

I speak words that I have never heard out loud before. I share a part of my story that I have kept in the secret place for a very, very long time. I look into eyes of compassion. Eyes that say 'yes, it is hard... but don't stop short...'

I reflect. The Lord has brought me so far. From darkness to light. Sin to righteousness. Death to life. 

I am thankful for the journey. I am so thankful to be in a place that I can take off the veil that has covered my shame and stand exposed before the Lord... before His people. I don't do so on my own strength. I could not. But His strength pours over me, into me, through me. A voice calls out "I love you"... she sits the second pew yet the voice sings to my heart from the throne room... "I love you, Becky... I love you" 

I continue. Words tumbling out. Truth exposed. Veil gone. 

And I find freedom. Others find freedom. Women share their heart with me, and in doing so remove the veil over their shame. Soft voices saying, I have been there too. Courageous hearts saying, I refuse to live in darkness anymore.

And freedom reigns.

The words the Enemy has spoken... broken and revealed as lies. Bondage gone. 

Freedom REIGNS.

There are places I wish I had not walked. Yet I rejoice in a God who can work all things to the good. I rejoice in a God that will cause me to get real because He loves me enough that He will not be satisfied with anything less than complete freedom. For me. For others.

Freedom reigns in His heart. And today, it also reigns in mine. 

21: our cat, echo

As you know, tonight I was sharing a bit of the who-I-was at a women's revival... so while I was away I asked Tali if she wanted to do a guest blog based on a conversation we had a couple of days ago. As you can see below, she was more than happy to oblige... hope it blesses your heart...

We have this cat named Echo. Yes we love him to death but he just wants love and to be noticed. He is a gray striped cat and very cute. We love him, but sometimes he loves us too much.

My mom and I were driving on our way to Evansville. We were trying to think up some blog ideas. I said some things, my mom said some things. I finally said the cat! My mom kind of stared at me for a while. She finally said, “How can I say I am thankful for that annoying cat?” So this is what I said,

“Well Echo nudges at us, meows too much; even while you are on your computer he goes and sits right down on the keyboard.”  She still didn’t get what I was saying and I bet some of you don’t. So I told her the point; Echo is like Jesus. I know what some of you are thinking; a cat, like Jesus? She said, “How is Echo like Jesus?” I said, “Jesus always wanting our love and to be noticed. Jesus sometimes will nudge at us saying listen to me do as I say.” My mom got the idea. She liked so much she let me blog about it! I hope you liked this blog. 

20: where i've been

I look back over the whole of my life and I see many mistakes. I see choices that the me of today would tell the me of yesterday to make differently. I see hard roads that could have been easier. Easy paths chosen when the difficult one would have been better.

Yet tonight I am thankful for those places I have been. I am thankful for the layers of me that there are. The way those decisions of yesteryear became who I am today. 

I am thankful for a God who takes a mess, and makes a message.

Tomorrow I will be sharing a bit of the who-I-was. And it won't be easy. It will be history spoken outloud, some of it for the first time. 

But He has asked me to. And if I say I trust Him with my lips, I need to live like I trust Him with my life. Sometimes that looks like the removal of a mask, and standing before a group of women completely transparent, vulnerable, naked. Tomorrow will feel very much like that.

It will also feel a lot like freedom.

And our God is so BIG, that I know the freedom is not just for me. But for someone else that He will speak to through my testimony... not because of my inadequate words, but because of HIS promise that there is POWER in our testimony. 

In the meantime, I covet your prayers that I will be able to speak with honesty and courage. 

And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony... Revelation 12:11

19: encouragers

We stand a few feet apart... dreams and visions and hopes exchanged. We talk about the deep things of God, the plans and purposes He is calling us to. She encourages me. With a smile and a nod she lets me know that I am hearing Him right... she stands and listens as I rattle on about the million crazy things I am trying to sort out... and she doesn't seem to mind a bit. She is a person that I have let in on the secret desires of my heart because I know she can be trusted with them... not in a "trusted not to tell anyone" way... but in a "trusted not to shoot down my balloon" kind of way. I can trust her to support and encourage whatever wild-eyed scheme I have dreamed up. To brain-storm or to listen through my brain-storms (which is the way I figure most of my life out!). And to help in any way she can.

She listens to me like I imagine Jesus listening to me... eyes locked on mine, heart open, smiling with my enthusiasm and casting away the doubt when it creeps in.

You would think, by this description, that we have been friends for years and years. Not true in this particular case, but when God sets about binding hearts together, He can do so outside of the confines of time (because He's big like that!) And I'm so, so, so glad that over the last year He has truly gone about binding our hearts together!

I am thankful for this beautiful friend of mine... and the countless others like her that God has brought into my life! The women who encourage me, pray for me, brain-storm with me, work along side me... and love me right where I am at. I am thankful for the ones that I have known for decades, and the ones that I have only known a matter of months... and for the way that He has brought each into my life at just the right time. I am thankful for conversations held standing outside the church in the middle of the night, or in a garage on a crisp fall day, or via text during the day... And most of all, I am thankful for these women so gifted with encouragement... these ones who hold me up when I am feeling ill-equipped, full of doubt or less-than-the-call.

Do not ever underestimate the power of an encouraging word. So many times it is just the wind in the sails necessary to propel that boat of dreams to the horizon.

Thank you, friend, for spurring me on with your kind words and love. It's encouragers like you who give me the strength and the courage for the next step... whatever that may be...