Happy (in)Dependence Day, friends!

[note: blog redesign in progress. read my disclaimer here.]

I started out writing a post wishing you all a very happy Independence Day. To wax poetic about the cost of freedom, and the price paid by extraordinary men and women so that I can write a blog like this one, expressing opinions, sharing stories, and openly loving on Jesus all the while. I wanted to draw the clear parallel about a similar price paid by an extraordinary God so that we could know freedom in Him. All of it true, all of it challenging, all of it worthy of a blog post.

But I keep getting hung up on that word... independence. 

Every time I typed it, I was struck by the reality that while I love freedom (freedom in America and in Christ), I don't live a life of independence at all... nor do I really want to. As I wrote about Independence Day, I couldn't stop thinking about what life in community looks like. And how beautiful dependence on one another really is. And how desperately I depend on my Savior. And how I wouldn't change that for the world.

I think about the way I depend on my incredible husband... How I depend on him to do stuff like charge the air conditioner in my truck (in a Walmart parking lot in Evansville, nonetheless) so we don't have to ride home in 100 degree heat without a/c. Or the way I depend on him to love me, even when I am kind of unlovable. Or the way I depend on him to be there with an ornery smile, sharing the inside joke only he and I really understand. No, I wouldn't want to change that a bit. His dependence on me, and mine on him... lives intertwined so that we would be less without the other... I would not want to change that for the world. 

Or the way I depend on my friends to come through with a text message that makes me laugh at just the right moment. How my heart depends on their encouragement. The way I depend on them to challenge and sharpen me. A mutual dependence of love and respect. Community. Life without these people would be... too quiet. Too lonely. God speaks to my heart through them, and I would be less without their friendship.

But mostly, I think about my dependence on Christ. How many times a day I ask Him to help me...

Jesus, help me love this person well. 

Jesus, teach me how to seek your heart more.

Jesus, help me to seek YOUR approval, not man's.

Jesus, show me the next step.

Jesus, tell me how humility would respond.

Jesus, give me the strength to forgive.

Jesus, help me... Help me keep my mouth shut. Help me speak words of blessing. Help me rest in your joy. Help me keep my mind steadfast in you. Help me, help me, help me.

I know. I am really needy. 

And He is always there. He is always listening, heeding my cries for help. And I am so thankful... because I couldn't do this thing on my own. I couldn't raise children in the light of His love all by myself. I couldn't submit to the will of my husband (as good as he is) without clothing myself in the humility that comes from Christ.  I couldn't write these word without His inspiration and continual confirmation.  I couldn't chase Him with abandon if He didn't allow me to catch up to Him often enough to keep me thirsting for more. The Lord knows, I couldn't keep my mouth shut when my mind is firing appropriately sarcastic responses at warp speed without the whisper of His Holy Spirit showing me a better way. 

And perhaps more importantly, I couldn't be refined by my mistakes when I fail [almost daily] at these same things, without His grace.

I am striving to live a life in dependence on Him... a life lived (in)dependence of the One who knows the end from the beginning.

And the strangest thing is happening. The more I rely on Him, the more I look to Him for my next step, the more I count on Him to guide me... the more freedom I feel in my spirit.

As Misty Edwards sings... "it's an inside outside upside down Kingdom where you lose to gain, and you die to live"

It's a Kingdom where you live (in)dependence so that you can walk in freedom.

And not just the illusion of freedom. Not just a "getting to do what you want" warm fuzzy. But real freedom. Real liberty. Freedom that will cause your spirit to soar, and your fears to ease, and your love to grow, and your mourning cease. It is for FREEDOM that Christ set us free. It is for FREEDOM that He offers us the (in)dependent life.

Today I celebrate the country that allows me to live that (in)dependent life boldly... and I pray that you will join me on this wild ride in this upside down Kingdom... where we grow in freedom as we grow in our dependence on Him!

Happy (in)Dependence Day my friends!

19: encouragers

We stand a few feet apart... dreams and visions and hopes exchanged. We talk about the deep things of God, the plans and purposes He is calling us to. She encourages me. With a smile and a nod she lets me know that I am hearing Him right... she stands and listens as I rattle on about the million crazy things I am trying to sort out... and she doesn't seem to mind a bit. She is a person that I have let in on the secret desires of my heart because I know she can be trusted with them... not in a "trusted not to tell anyone" way... but in a "trusted not to shoot down my balloon" kind of way. I can trust her to support and encourage whatever wild-eyed scheme I have dreamed up. To brain-storm or to listen through my brain-storms (which is the way I figure most of my life out!). And to help in any way she can.

She listens to me like I imagine Jesus listening to me... eyes locked on mine, heart open, smiling with my enthusiasm and casting away the doubt when it creeps in.

You would think, by this description, that we have been friends for years and years. Not true in this particular case, but when God sets about binding hearts together, He can do so outside of the confines of time (because He's big like that!) And I'm so, so, so glad that over the last year He has truly gone about binding our hearts together!

I am thankful for this beautiful friend of mine... and the countless others like her that God has brought into my life! The women who encourage me, pray for me, brain-storm with me, work along side me... and love me right where I am at. I am thankful for the ones that I have known for decades, and the ones that I have only known a matter of months... and for the way that He has brought each into my life at just the right time. I am thankful for conversations held standing outside the church in the middle of the night, or in a garage on a crisp fall day, or via text during the day... And most of all, I am thankful for these women so gifted with encouragement... these ones who hold me up when I am feeling ill-equipped, full of doubt or less-than-the-call.

Do not ever underestimate the power of an encouraging word. So many times it is just the wind in the sails necessary to propel that boat of dreams to the horizon.

Thank you, friend, for spurring me on with your kind words and love. It's encouragers like you who give me the strength and the courage for the next step... whatever that may be... 

05: amazing friends

Today I am so thankful for the incredible friends God has called along this path with me!

I am so thankful for the friends who have always been there. Who walked through my history with me, and stand with me today, loving me all the same... or perhaps even loving me more because of it. 

I am so thankful for the friends who patiently listen through my mind dumping sessions as I run along a mile a second about all of the plans and dreams and concerns and hurts and blessings that rattle on around this brain of mine. 

I am so thankful for the friends who challenge unhealthy thoughts and attitudes... who hold me accountable and make me want to look more like Jesus.

I am so thankful for the friends who love me enough to invest in my children's lives... to make runs to Evansville when my schedule gets overcrowded, or plan video gaming sessions with Z, or take time for ice cream and bubbles.

I am so thankful for the new friends He continues to bring into my life. The ones who picked up like they've known me forever. The ones who "match". 

I am so thankful for the family God has planted in my life that have surpassed the flesh and blood relationship to one of true friendship and mutual love and respect. 

I am so thankful for the friends who know all of the inside jokes. Who can read my mind with the glance of an eye. Who know what <4 means. Who rejoice when I rejoice, and cry when I cry. Who are comfortable in the silence.

I am so thankful that the One who created the heavens and the earth, who holds the universe in the span of His hand, who gave up all of heaven to walk as a man and die for me, calls me friend.

All of this, so much more than this awkward little girl could have ever dared to dream of during those difficult times of loneliness most kids go through. So much more than I deserve.  And yet, I find myself so richly blessed.

Thank you, friend, for the blessing you are to my life.
I thank my God upon every remembrance of you [Philippians 1:3].

did you miss me?

where have i been, you ask? how is it that i've only made one brief post since 4/28? i know, i know... these are the burning questions that have kept you awake at night... so let's take a look at my recent life

4/29- typical crazy wednesday. work all day, get the kids from school, shopping for sonshine kids, then youth group bible study and turtle time. flags may or may not have been involved.

4/30- all day training/meeting at work. convince tali that it's okay to miss dance class. packing for departure to wisconsin tomorrow morning (by 6am no less).

5/1- wake up to realize it's 5:38. madness ensues. manage to get husband, two children, and self up and dressed and out of the house by 5:54. i've got mad skillz. leave for wisconsin. arrive safely to find we are staying in a "quaint" hotel on the property. we definitely did not refer to it as the bates motel. ever.

5/2- lovin' me some green lake.

5/3- leave green lake having caught the vision and having one of the most emotional, touching experiences with the amazing group of people God called for just such a time as this. meet a sweet kid named nate with the cutest accent at pizza hut. much discussion, singing, and sleeping on the van ride home. kudos to our driver, steve for getting us there and back safely. oh, and i'm fairly certain we were one of the most rowdy groups ever to haunt the terre haute steak 'n shake at 9pm on a sunday night.

5/4- gratuitous day off work to rest. blog post made on this date.

5/5- having missed dance class last week, definitely couldn't miss today. worked rear end off due to having been essentially off the road for three days in the last week.

5/6- another crazy weds. work. take brother to doctor's appointment. ask jennifer to cover me shopping and preparing for ssk tonight due to said appointment and having to leave for another training (for work this time). pack bags again. arrive at church in time to assist with meal. realize church clerk will not be showing up for business meeting, so as assistant stay to take minutes of the meeting. hug and kiss kids goodbye {again}. pick up mom and head to columbus, indiana. arrive safely at 9pm.

5/7- attend training on ministry with the elderly. so good. had an awesome supper that night with my mama and hit some outlet malls. enjoyed spoiling my family. thankful for seth's friend tom tom.

5/8- training ended on this day at 2:30pm. discover during the day that a client is in crisis. spend the entire two hour drive home on the phone trying to solve said crisis. little progress made. arrive home in time to pick up tali and zach from brookes, stop by the house and pack an overnight bag, and take zach immediately to his friend isaacs house for a sleepover. then go immediately to the jones' estate where we left to go to brock hancock's benefit dinner and auction.

5/9- spent some time running errands with the family and just chilling out. felt it was deserved at this point.

5/10- church and then tali's dress rehearsal for alice in wonderland in henderson, ky.

5/11- worked literally from 8:30am to 7:30pm this day with a couple of hour break in the middle. my job is not usually like this, but with so many days out and off for training, it was not avoidable today. by the time i got home i was feeling pretty cruddy- sinus icky and super tired.

5/12- definitely coming down with something but working anyway. dance class in the evening.

5/13- things are no good at all. not one bit. had a meeting in the morning and then stayed home and did case notes and such. by 3pm feeling really bad. called in favors and didn't even go to ssk or youth group or turtles. becky is ill.

5/14- home sick from work. was supposed to go to training, so glad i didn't. no dance class tonight, mommy was not feeling good. kids hanging out with jim at the ball park. thanks daddy :)

5/15- still not feeling good, but guilt for taking sick time forces me to another all day training and meeting. not a great idea. take pictures for the photo booth at the kids spring carnival... even worse idea.

5/16- dress rehearsal for alice in wonderland. in henderson, ky of course. home to sleep.

5/17- teach sunday school and then head out for the performance of alice. the show was beautiful. becky was dog tired. out to eat with our bffs afterward. not home til 9pm.

5/18- still sick and realizing it's really "something". call doctor. see him at 3pm. bronchitis and three prescriptions. not able to breath and hanging out on the couch.

5/19- still no good. bronchitis plus migraine. skip dance.

5/20- feeling human again! yay! worked hard today, then did the typical crazy wednesday night routine. lovin' life.

5/21- dance class tonight- last one for the summer.

5/22- kid's last day of school. awards. open house for work in bloomfield. graduation at the high school. proud of tyson :)

5/23- picking strawberries with the family. zach's ball practice. preparing strawberries and catching up on three weeks worth of missed tv.

5/24- today. and now, having typed all that, i am exhausted all over again and you are completely bored! LOL

as crazy as it's been, i can't help but reflect on this month and how incredibly blessed i am. my job is amazing. my church family is truly a beautiful thing. i am so lucky to have two amazing kids who are passionate about the things they love (dance and baseball). a husband who will wisk the kids away when he knows i need the peace and quiet to rest. the opportunities to continue to learn and grow. and that even though i was really sick, how infrequently that happens to any serious degree!

so there, you are all caught up! i will try to get some pics up here or on facebook... but that's only if i can pick up my internet signal from the ball park :)

those were the days... (friday flashback)

When I moved out of my mom's house, I stumbled onto a little farmhouse out in the country that the landlord was willing to rent for cheap (really, really cheap). Initially I was supposed to live there with my Aunt Patty. Anyone who knows, or who have ever heard anything about, my Aunt Patty would understand why that didn't work. Then a friend from work and her husband moved in with me. That was also a bad, bad match. Nothing wrong with those people... but just a bad, bad match. And then, on my doorstep, appeared Bev and Garry. "We're looking for a house to rent, do you know of any?" Now it would be hard for anyone who knows Bev and I now to believe, but Bev and I weren't that close then. We had been friends for a very, very long time... but by that time she had a boyfriend, I had a boyfriend... and we pretty much just hung out with our boyfriends! So to have her knock on my door was unexpected [and may I interject here... likely a God-thing]. My answer "actually, I'm looking for someone to move in here..." and I'm pretty sure her and Garry's answer was something like "ok". Maybe that's not an exact quote, but in my mind's eye... it went something like that.

And so it began. Our life of teacup and saucer decorations [remember those Bev?]... kerosene heaters [who needs real heat anyway? after all, had we been able to afford propane we would have needed a refridgerator to put our milk in during the winter!]... the red room [amazing]... stuffed bunny vacuum cleaner covers [poor bunny]... sadie, the beautiful, crazy, sweet boxer... daisy and her belly full of catfish bait... a steady stream of family and friends... young friends willing to help us wash the outside of our house in below zero weather [inside joke, I apologize to my blogerotsky]... wall paint from Big Lots... home furnishings from Goodwill... being snowed in... the fabulous Geo Metro... cows procreating in our front yard [tyson, age 4- what are they doing? becky- wrestling I think]... "good" times that i've since repented of... unusually large wrenches... stolen street signs [home decor for the poor]... cruising Knox County and stalking mailboxes [try to decipher that cryptic reference, blogerotsky]... and eventually... weddings. Yep, those were the days.

What a ride! Amazing memories! During that time we (Garry, Bev, Jim, and I) formed a bond goes literally beyond words. I can look at Bev across the room and she'll say "I know". And she does. And it's creepy. We tell people that we don't really have mind-meld... but that may be just a bit of a lie!

All those years ago, when she knocked on my door, I couldn't imagine that we would end up HERE. Going to church together. Supporting each other in new job opportunities. Raising our children together. Leaning on each other in the hard times. Laughing with each other like crazy people in the good ones... and honestly, in the bad ones too! Hanging out and doing the things that "soccer/dance/cheer/pto/church moms" do. God is good. He knows what He's doing, and even though some of "those" days were pretty crazy, I would trade a single one. Because those days led to these days... and these day are quite frankly amazing beyond imagination!

Thanks Bev. Love ya.

But you already knew that, didn't you?

[photo taken at a ball game last week]

why wednesdays are my favorite...

wednesdays after work... tumbling... sonshine kids... childrens choir... and dance practice... i get to hang out with some of my best friends in the entire world. the posse is not the same every week, but there are definitely some reccurring characters. it is a blessed, let your hair down, enjoy each other's company kind of time. i love it. i love this time to hang out, sing some songs with the praise band, talk about life (good, bad, and ugly), share concerns, laugh... whatever.

and tonight was extra good.

as people started to trickle off to home, a few of us were left in the sanctuary, seth with his guitar, and the girls with a song book. i'm not sure how it began exactly... but slowly we were drawn into this time of simple worship of our precious Lord. flipping through the pages, lauren identifying [another] favorite song... and together she and bev and anna would begin to sing. it was just precious, precious time. no agenda. no time constraint. no plan. the voices of angels lifting praises to the King [and i occasionally belting out in my typically off-key yet heartfelt way].

worship should be like that. start where the Spirit says to start. stop when He says to stop. sing beautiful hymns. sing off key. be full of joy. and love. and praise.

tonight i'm feeling full of all three.

this here is men's work...

Two weeks ago we got the phone call we've waited for nearly two years on... it was Carol, and Isaac was finally ready to come over and play at Zach's house. Any of you who know Isaac, understand how this could be such a monumental event- he's a little old man, set in his ways, sticking to his schedule, and since Zach's house has never been on his schedule before, it took him a couple of years to figure out how to pencil it in.

When we finally made it to our house, the boys headed straight for the back yard... and the mud. This is something Zach just can't enjoy with his sissy [are you kidding? Tali with a shovel, mud, and truck?] so it was cool for him to have someone to enjoy his strangely male imaginative play. Here they are strategically moving dirt from behind the garage to the middle of the back yard. There were also monster truck rallies in the dirt. Then things took a more somber turn as they relived recent events in both of their little lives by burying the "dead dog" [a can]. Something only a little boy can understand.

I love the picture above because if you look closely, both boys have their tongues hanging out in concentration. There are important things to be done. We can't be bothered with the camera. You can go back in the house mom... this here is men's work...