{from mud to mercy}

Today I knelt by a black plastic horse trough filled with grace from a garden hose.

This one whom I had just met a few months ago came toward me. Her loose fitting jump suit not fitting an occasion such as this, but it is the only garment she has. No robe of white for her baptism. No heated baptistery. Just a striped jump suit, cold water, and grace.

And these hands. These hands of mine that have stolen and cheated. These hands that have been perverse and vile and violent. These hands on hers…

This mouth that once denied God. Words that once cursed, lied, slandered. Words that cut to the quick and then exploded with a death blow. Now a flow of love from the mercy seat…

“Jesus loves you so much, my friend. He loves you with everything…”

Tears streaming down her cheeks and mine. This is not how we picture grace. Our hearts grow cynical. Names in the paper become faceless statistics.  

But those names have stories.

And for this one, her story just collided headlong into grace. And it is being rewritten.

“Are you ready, sister? Are you ready to follow Jesus with your entire heart, and mind, and soul?”

Tears become sobs… and “yes, yes, yes, yes, yes” comes tumbling out of a spirit that is desperate for a Savior. Desperate for the promise of a hope and a future. Desperate for HIM.

And then from the same mouth that once denied Him… “I now baptize you, my sister, in the name of the Father… and of the Son… and of the Holy Spirit”.

And hands that were once stained with sin follow her as she kneels forward. All in.

All in.

Face forward into grace.

Water from a hose become a symbol of union with Him. Union in death, and union in New Life.

Water turned grace in the wash bay of a jail gushing over the sides of a black horse trough… I feel it’s cool on my hands and up my arms… splashing feet that had once taken the path of the prodigal… soaking the hem of my skirt. The hem of my garment.

An anointing like no other. An anointing of grace I have never known. An anointing of grace I would never have dared to dream about or imagine when my own desperate sobs cried out to Him in my sin.

That He could use a wretch like me. That He could use hands that have done such harm. That He could use a mouth that has wounded so many… as an instrument of grace.

He found me in the mud. He found me in a pig sty of my own making after I had demanded my inheritance and ran off to the far country. He let me get to the end of myself… He knew I had to… or I would never see my own desperate need for Him.

He watched as I went my own way. He wept as I made wrong choices. He hurt as I denied Him.

And somewhere in that mess… somewhere in that darkness… He declared “THAT ONE… bring her to me”… and sending His Son right into the center of my messy heart, He did just that. He sought me… He rescued me… He sent people to love me right where I was at. People who spoke grace and lived love and stirred a desire in me for more.

And now, my hands on the back of one who had just arrived to the end of herself.  My heart overflowing with His love for her.

As she steps from the water, overcome by His love, another comes.

And another.

And another.

Seven times I kneel by that beautiful baptistery.

Seven times He issues an invitation to love and mercy and grace.

Seven times His Bride says “yes”.

Seven times hearts are overwhelmed and tears fall and forgiveness is received and lives are reconciled.

Seven times His grace covers His Beloved.

Seven times striped jump suits are traded for robes of righteousness.

Seven times it splashes over the sides of a horse trough that could not contain it.  

And I am undone.

From mud to mercy. If ever those words were ever true of my story, they were true today. 

devo//so this is LOVE

1 John 2:7-11

⁷ Dear friends, I am not writing you a new command but an old one, which you have had since the beginning. This old command is the message you have heard. ⁸ Yet I am writing you a new command; its truth is seen in him and in you, because the darkness is passing and the true light is already shining.

⁹ Anyone who claims to be in the light but hates a brother or sister is still in the darkness. ¹⁰ Anyone who loves their brother and sister lives in the light, and there is nothing in them to make them stumble. ¹¹ But anyone who hates a brother or sister is in the darkness and walks around in the darkness. They do not know where they are going, because the darkness has blinded them.

I have been praying over these verses all day. What, Father, would you have me to say.

Yes, the command John writes for us, it is both old and new. This command to love God and to love our brothers, it has been the desire of God's heart since He spoke and the universe was formed. The command to love God, and to demonstrate that love through our obedience is strewn through the Old Testament. Instructions to care for the widow and orphan, to love one another, to care for our neighbor... we find this throughout scripture as well. It's also new in that Jesus took it to a whole new level- who is your neighbor? Love your enemy! Forgive one another, and seek forgiveness! And do all of this with the power of the Holy Spirit He sent to take up residence in our hearts... He doesn't just give us the command, but He equips us to actually do it.

Yes, I can't say that I love God and then also hate my brother. That makes sense. Love comes from the Light. The Light is Love.

All true, but there is more. There is another layer here. Help me uncover it Father. What would YOU have me to say? To share? To teach? To learn? What is there that I am not seeing?

I have read the study notes in three different Bibles. I have sought His face, His voice. I have prayed. I have contemplated. I read the passage in several translations... and then, as so often is the case, the Message spoke right to my heart... another layer...

Anyone who claims to live in God’s light and hates a brother or sister is still in the dark. It’s the person who loves brother and sister who dwells in God’s light and doesn’t block the light from others. But whoever hates is still in the dark, stumbles around in the dark, doesn’t know which end is up, blinded by the darkness. (vs 9-11).

Do you see it? Do you see it right there in the middle... It's the person who loves brother and sister who dwells in God's light and doesn't block the light from others.

I want to be a Lightbearer. Not a Light-blocker. I want to dwell in God's Light. Live right there in it's warmth. Welcome it's uncovering of the darkness in my heart. I want it to shine in me and through me and spill out onto others.

And what does that look like? What does dwelling in the Light look like? What does not-blocking-the-Light entail???

Love.

It's the person who loves....

You see, one thing I know about God is that He is love... and that one cannot grow closer to Him without growing in their own capacity to love. You invite God into your heart in a greater and greater measure, then you are inviting Love into your heart in a greater and greater measure...

and it will be evidenced in your life.

it will shine in you and through you and spill out on onto others.

Your love for God is evidenced in your love for your brother and sisters. And this love does not block the light from others.

I'm going to take it a step further. Because the Jews of Jesus' day got all tripped up on the language used... who is our neighbor, Rabbi? And then Jesus set everything they knew on its ear. As Christians we do the same thing. Even today, seeking His revelation on this passage, I searched out the meaning of "brother" here... who is our brother?  Is He just talking about other Christians here? Our brothers and sisters in Christ?? After all the New Living Translation actually says "but hates a Christian brother or sister" in verse 9...

But I can't shake the feeling that defining our brothers as just those who think like us... is... so narrow. That if we were to ask Jesus "who is our brother" He would tell us a parable that would set everything we understood on its ear.

That we aren't just called to love those who already know Jesus because... frankly, that's not the way Jesus Himself loved.

Jesus specifically sought out the homes of the sinners, the tax collectors, the cast offs. He met up with the woman at the well, on purpose... He met her right where she was and He loved her right out of that place. He didn't wait for her to "come clean" before He offered her the Living Water. He loved her first, exposed her sin later, and a whole town was won in the end.

I wonder, when we say we want to love like Jesus, look like Jesus, be His hands & feet & heart... I wonder... if it shouldn't look like this?

I want to tread carefully here. I want you to hear my heart on this...

Because I really do believe that the love of Jesus is a radical love, and so the love of Jesus flowing through us should look a little crazy, overwhelming, radical... and a little less like judgement.

I say this with caution, because I am not a "judge not lest ye be judged" kind of person... I know that read in context that this verse tells us we need to be a lot more concerned with walking in holiness ourselves so that we can see and help our brother with the speck in his eye (check it out, that's really what it says). More on that in another post, perhaps.

This is my heart tonight... this is my heart for the lost, dying, hurting, broken, not-knowing-Jesus world...

They will never be won by a picket sign. 

Or a picture of an aborted fetus.

Or a pointing finger.

Or an "us vs. them" mentality.

This world will only be won by His love.

I may stumble my way back to church out of a fear of Hell... but it's only a discovery of His love that will keep me there. 

And since the lost aren't listening for His voice...
they can only know His love as it pours into us, through us, spilling out of us onto them.

Even when they are waist deep in the sinful life.

And this love does not block the light from others.

I sat on the floor with one crying from the depth of her soul. Her own sin so shocking to her that she could not even speak. The wails and the moans that poured forth ripped through my spirit. And I was overwhelmed with love for her. Not because I am so good, or so perfect, or so holy... but because I asked God to equip me in that moment and that's what He gave me. Love. Why love? Because condemnation, in that moment, would have locked her in a prison of shame and guilt and fear... but love... oh LOVE BRINGS FORTH THE LIGHT. And she needed the Light then more than any other time in her life. She needed love.

Isn't that how Jesus loved?

But the church... oh we so often act more like the religious leaders who brought the adulterous woman before Jesus, ready to stone her.  Picking and choosing the sins to highlight (the man was not brought forth, as the law would have also required).  Pointing to her sin as much greater than our own. Carrying our picket sign against it.

But Jesus... He didn't join the crowd. No instead...
Jesus... forgave.
Jesus... loved.

And this love poured Light into her life.

I want my love to do the same thing. I want my witness to be one that builds up rather than condemns. I want my life to be one that doesn't block the light from others.

That's why my words on Facebook, and this blog, and I hope in my life reveal so much more about the things that I am for than the things I am against. Because when I speak out against abortion, there very well could be a woman at the table across from me, who has walked through that [some statistics show that as many as one out of three women are post-abortive]. I made that mistake the other day, and in my spirit I just knew that there was one in the room who was staring at her hands because she had been there... and that my words did not encourage, or build her up, or remind her how precious she is to the Father... but brought  feelings of shame and guilt and fear.

Oh, Father...Did I block your light?

One out of three. That is frightening on so many levels... oh those women! Oh how their hearts must ache! How their minds must wonder... "what if..."  One out of three. That means an anti-abortion message on my Facebook wall could block the light for as many as three hundred women. I'm not saying you shouldn't post these things on Facebook, or speak them in your life... I am explaining my own conviction, and why I don't [except when I do, like the other day, and then I don't feel great about it].  Because her life is as important to me as the baby that she didn't have. And so I want her to know the forgiveness of Christ. The mighty work He has done in my life. How precious she is to Him... How very precious... How wide and deep and high His love for her is... and I don't know that condemnation will do that for most women.

I want to meet her where she is and then love her out of that place.  I want to touch her hand and look into her eyes and have an overwhelming love pour through me.

I want to talk to my homosexual friend in a way that he knows I love him... from the depths of who I am... and when he asks what the Bible says about his lifestyle I want to answer in a way that brings hope. And truth. And love.

I want to meet with the girl in jail and have her know that Jesus loves her.

I want to sit on the floor with a sister waking up from her sin and let her know that God isn't done with her yet. That there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

I want them to know His love.

I want you to know His love.

Oh friend, whatever you have walked through. Whatever your history, or your sin, or your hang up, or your addiction....

Jesus loves you.

And so do I.
So do we.

Sometimes we just aren't sure how to show it. Sometimes it's hard to know how to take a stand for what is right, and still love the one that is wrong. Love the sinner, hate the sin... it's tricky stuff.

Father, oh Lord won't you help us know how to love? Won't you help us know when to speak, when to take a stand, when to use our voice to protect the voiceless.... and when to love quietly? When to be extravagant with grace? Lord won't you guide our words and our actions so that the world would know YOU are at work in our lives? Father give us a greater capacity to love. Lord please, please won't you dig deep wells of love in our hearts, and then fill us to overflowing with a light that pours out into this world! Lord won't you remind us that it is not our job to convict... only the Holy Spirit can do that! Only your Holy Spirit can change! Only your Holy Spirit can bring about repentance... oh but we can LOVE! Lord will you let your light shine in our hearts, casting out all darkness! Father will you make us a people who never, never blocks the light from others... Thank you for equipping us to this calling with the power of YOUR Holy Spirit.... in the name of your beautiful Son I pray...

friday flashback.... anniversary edition

Seventeen years ago at this very moment, a sophomore girl at the high school was a bundle of nerves. The cute boy at school she'd had her eye on forever had agreed to go with her to the Sadie's Hawkins dance that night. They were friends, and conversation usually came easy, but would it be different on a "date". Would it be weird and awkward? Will they dance? What if he doesn't like her? What if he does? And who picks a Friday the 13th to hold a first date? It was nearly more than a fifteen year old girl's heart could handle. She looked back over the school day, remembering every glance and smile they had exchanged that day. Please God, just let it be okay! Okay?

That night, Jim and I had our first date. We were both fifteen [but he was a freshman]. Was it awkward- you betcha! The first hour or two he hung out with his friends while I tagged along like a desperate puppy. But once the actual dance started, and the lights dimmed... his focus shifted to yours truly. Conversation came easily again. Dancing with him felt natural, right. And sometime that night we became BeckyandJim. By Monday morning it was apparent to all my friends that something good was going on. And leave it to Bev with her gift of blunt... "So, are you two dating or what?" Jim's answer, with a shrug "I guess". And it was official.

We were immediately inseparable, spending hours and hours and hours on the phone. Before long I was meeting his family, and this picture was taken on my first outing with the Boyles' clan in 1992. To this day it is one of my very favorite pictures of us. Even with the hair- mine the size of Montana (granted the wind had something to do with that) and Jim's little mullet peeking out the back- I can't help but smile with joy every time I look at it. His mom snapped this shot of the two of us during a boat ride, completely lost in each other. Completely happy. BeckyandJim.

Seventeen years. It's mindboggling, really. I look back and it feels like both yesterday and a lifetime ago. Seventeen years is a long time to spend with the same person, especially when you are just 32! I hope though, that seventeen years is just the beginning of our story. That some day we are looking back on fifty or sixty or seventy years together. It's not always been easy, and we've had our fair share of trials... but looking back I wouldn't change a thing. And looking forward I can't imagine life any other way.

i can't breathe...

when i think about stories like this one. All-American family. One son, a daughter on the way. One day announcing the name of your baby girl, the next laughing about soccer practice, and the next announcing that you've had to take your husband to the hospital. He was admitted. Within two weeks he has gone home to be with the Lord. I can't even breathe when I think about the enormity of this kind of loss. When for the split second that I can stand it, I try to put myself in this young mother's shoes. But only for a split second, because I would go crazy to stay in that place much longer.

I think of Jim and how frustrated I can get about the most retarded things. How mad I get when I hear from Bev that we have plans with them- Jim and Garry have talked about it- but I haven't been clued in. (and I know you know what I mean Bev- I love hanging with you guys- and thankfully Garry's learned to text me directly to keep me in the loop!) How insigificant is that. How hurt I was when he got so upset about the ding we (being Zach, Mother Nature, and I) put in Thomas's door. How hateful I wanted to be in return. Instead of thanking God that we were having that argument IN CHURCH, where he wanted to be so bad he dragged our sick daugther to the service so he wouldn't miss it! How insignificant. How selfish. How self-centered. I know that the woman who writes the blog I linked above would probably give everything just to hear her husband's voice one more time, even if it is frustrated.

What if something like this happened to him? What would I do then? But I can't go there. I love him to the core of who I am. And even though we don't communicate the same way. Even though we love differently. Even though I get on his nerves sometimes and he on mine. Even though I get so focused on myself that I can't see beyond my nose at times... I love him. And I cannot imagine my life without him. I cannot. He is amazing. And it may sound cheesy, but he completes me... because he is who I am not. He is who God chose to finish the package. To tie up my loose ends.

I know that this post is going all over the place...and I'm officially into the ugly cry now. Please know that I am writing from a very, very deep place inside of me that goes untouched for the most part. But I just received the most beautiful gift. A plain white cd... it doesn't look like much... but it is full of pictures of my dad. And reading that blog, and then looking at those pictures, and I'm reminded of how temporary this life is. My daddy has been gone for two decades, but looking at those pictures I was the twelve year old little girl who just heard the words "your daddy is gone". And it was just like that. In a flash. No warning.

I know what God means by a "vapor on the wind".... I've seen the vapor vanish in a moment. But man, I do a terrible job living my life in the light of that reality.

Lord, help me to love better today. Help me to show my appreciation for the little things. Give me the grace I need to overlook small hurts and offenses. Help me love like you love Lord. I thank you for this day... I thank you for the breath you give me this moment. I thank you for the family and friends that you have put in my life that complete me. And I thank you, Jesus, than you understand what it means to be separated from someone that you love, and that you were willing to do that for me. Father, help me love through the annoyances, frustrations, and hurt... just like you love me. Jesus, make me more like you.

granite countertops

I have a confession to make. I love HGTV. I love it. I love Spice Up My Kitchen, Divine Designs, House Hunters, Property Virgins, Designed to Sell, My Big Amazing Renovation... at any given time you can catch me watching one of these shows- or one like it- dreaming dreams of new cabinets and wood flooring, granite countertops and spa-like bathrooms. Aaaaaah. That's living the dream, isn't it?

And then I look around my little house and am smacked in the forehead with reality. Tali and Zach crammed into a bedroom barely big enough for one. A bathroom with vintage 1970's sink, bathtub, and sink in a color of yellow that would make even perky Genevieve a little nauseous. A kitchen so small that Jim and I can barely stand at the sink and stove (which are across the room from each other) without bumping butts. Oh how I dream of a Big, Amazing Renovation of my own. How I would love to knock out half a wall between my kitchen and dining room in order to achieve the "open floor plan" sought by all on House Hunters. How we dream of adding on another bedroom, so Tali and Zach can have their own space. In fact, I spent a good bit of time talking about these exact dreams with some of my beautiful church family on Wednesday.

We want nice things. And if you're honest, you probably want nice things too.

But then, last Thursday, I was happily listening to the radio, giving almost no thought to what was being said. In fact I'm not even sure of the context of this comment- but it smacked me in the forehead with an entirely different reality.

Some sort of montage was playing. Snips and clips from the radio program over the past year. And this guy was saying "I don't need $5000 granite countertops to cut my tomato on".

The radio show host (who probably has granite countertops) laughed... the caller went on "Just think how much support that money would be for a missionary overseas?" and then my mind continued... or the needy family at my kids' school, or the family at church that can't seem to catch a break, or a crisis pregnancy center... That's a lot of money, folks.

This is probably going to sound ridiculous. Maybe it is. But I have not been able to shake this man's words from my head. "I don't need $5000 granite countertops to cut my tomato on". How many times have my hubby and I watched these home improvement shows together, critiquing their choices of stone, cabinets, and hardware? Applauding their choice of stainless steel appliances over slick black designs? Dreaming of a day we would own a kitchen like that of our own? Wanting shiny and new things, things I could be proud of.

what a spoiled brat i am.

If I am really honest, we have what we need. We have a kitchen. And a bathroom. And places to sleep, eat, and rest. We have luxuries that are just that- luxuries. Game systems, dvd players, televisions, computers. We have heat and air conditioning, electricity and running water.

Somewhere in the world there is someone sleeping on a dirt floor. A child going hungry. A mother dying because she can't get the antibiotic she needs (the same antibiotic I just threw away because Zach didn't finish his prescription last time). Places where indoor plumbing is unheard of. And I am whining because my toilet is yellow.

How hung up have we become on things in this country! THINGS. When the money we spend on those things could feed a starving family. I know that it sounds cliche, but I am asking you to take a moment and really, really think about that... when was the last time you went hungry (and I don't mean "too busy to eat" hungry but I have no food hungry). We don't know what it's like. We can't remember. This scripture was on my day planner for today:

When you have eaten your fill in this land, be careful not to forget the LORD, who rescued you from the land of Egypt. [Deut 6:11-12]

God is delivering His people into the Promised Land. He has rescued them from slavery and brought them through the desert. It's the moment they have waited for... entering the land of milk and honey... but God knows the risk. He knows the wicked heart and short memory of man, so He reminds them [us]... when you've eaten your fill, don't forget me.

I believe that God wants us to have what we need. But we've become gluttonous Christians, haven't we? We don't want to stop with our fill, we want to eat until our stomachs hurt. We want to put our Jesus Fish on the back of a nice, shiny car. We want to live in a home where we can easily entertain our church friends, and show off our pretty things. We want to go to a church that is "modern" and "fresh". We want to wear cute clothes. Carry fancy hand bags. We want master baths, dual sinks, please. We want to cut our tomatoes on a granite countertop. But what of the money we spend on this stuff? The money that would be left over if we really stopped when we have "had our fill"... what else could God use it for if we would allow Him? What could He accomplish if we were really willing to sacrifice for His Kingdom?

Oh friends, I write this as someone as gluttonous as all the rest. If you happen to have granite countertops, don't think I'm talking to you. This one's all for me. I have things that I want [insert iPod touch here], and things that I will probably eventually buy that I don't need. But what would happen if I really let the Lord take hold of my finances and use them for HIS will? What if as a Body we all did the same? What if our churches stopped looking around at the physical work that needs done and see the spiritual repairs that are so much more important? My pastor, Seth, is quoted as saying during a mission meeting "Well, if we are going to go broke I don't see any better way to do it than feeding God's children."

That's the mind we need to have. That's the heart change I need. Meeting the needs of His people rather than the desires of this spoiled brat.

God has delivered us, church! He has freed us from the chains of sin and death. He has given us the gift of eternal life! What's that worth? How much are we willing to sacrifice out of love and obedience to the one who sacrificed EVERYTHING for us? Are we willing to give "til it hurts". Are we willing to offer our abundance to the least of these? Are we willing to meet His children at their point of need? To be His hands and feet? To acknowlege that none of this is ours in the first place? To stop worrying about whether or not something is "dated" and instead worry about how it could be used for His kingdom? To stop being ashamed by my little, dissheveled, mess of a house and instead realize that this home can be used for ministry? It's a challenge, church. The question is, are we up for it?

Are we willing to worry more about the tomato... about the need... than we do the granite countertop?? Are we?

how he loves me

• The oil in my truck- that he changes faithfully every 3,000 miles.
• The large Dr. Pepper- that he will stop and get me on his way home. The kind in the styrofoam cup with the good ice. The kind that is better than any other kind, that he has to go out of his way to get.
• The gas in my truck- probably pumped and paid for by him. He does so without grumbling or complaining, which is more than I can say for myself when I have to put gas into my own truck. He just checks the gauge and then pulls up to the pump.
• The couch- that he always lets me lay on in the evening. The one with the best view of the TV.
• The time away from home- mostly spent at church, grouping, or Emmaus functions. Time that he graciously allows me to have, guilt-free... to do what God wants me to do even though he really doesn't understand yet why I'm doing it. Even picking the kids up from church every Wednesday night without question or complaint so that I can "do my thing".
• The chicken salad- that he makes while making his own tuna salad. Because he knows I don't like tuna.
• The green pitcher in our fridge- always filled with semi-sweet tea made just for me. Just to my liking. Because I'm the only person I know that likes semi-sweet tea. So when he makes the Kool-Aid and the normal person tea, he also makes mine.

there are dozens more. probably hundreds. sometimes i don't appreciate them. others i don't even notice them. but tonight, as i sipped my dr. pepper, the one with the really good ice, i realized just how good i have it.

he may not always be the most romantic man in the world. and most of the time communication is NOT his strong point.

but he speaks his love in so many other ways... i just have to be sure i'm listening.